Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Randomize
