Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
