I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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