apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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