You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
