She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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