People in love make me want to vomit
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
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