My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
