You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
