I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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