i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
