if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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