i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
