when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
