I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
