____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
