Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
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