I think my fart just growled at me.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
