broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
My vagina just clenched in fear
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
