so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
