Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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