So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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