I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
