Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
