I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
