Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Someone shattered a urinal.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Randomize