Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
