Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
