Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
