I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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