are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
