after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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