Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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