Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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