just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
