Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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