covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
