you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
