just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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