You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Everclear isn't food dammit
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
