Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
