dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
