you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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