I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Who died my cat blue again?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
