Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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