he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
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