I'm jealous of your bromance
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
