my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
A bitchslap is in order.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
