Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
