Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
