just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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