All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
