Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
