Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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