She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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