he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
