just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
