Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
