i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
