Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
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