My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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