note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I got inside last night via doggy door
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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