please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
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I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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