rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
