Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Randomize
