It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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