Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
